


Threads - a Real Friends Band Fanfiction

by ShiNTIY



Category: Real Friends - Fandom, Real Friends Band
Genre: Band, Bands, DavEric, Emo, Friendship, M/M, Multi, Punk, RF, RF band, Real Friends, and stuff like that, cool guy dave, dave x eric, emo as in emo music, erian - Freeform, eric x brian, insecure eric, might be some erian might be some daveric who knows, pop punk - Freeform, real friends band - Freeform, responsible father blian, rock - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-03-28
Updated: 2017-10-14
Packaged: 2018-10-12 05:59:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 20,323
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10483728
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ShiNTIY/pseuds/ShiNTIY
Summary: Eric has crushed on Dave for quite a while, but has sort of neglected it. Until Dave gets a girlfriend, that is. He slowly realizes how much he actually loves Dave. In addition, their friend Brian has feelings for Eric, that aren't totally one-sided.I’m going to add a lot of drama y'know, because angsty fanfics are the shit.Will probably mainly be written in Eric’s POV, but might change at the start of chapters, Idk. The first two chapters will be slow (and super short). They’re kind of an introduction, I guess.Every chapter will be named after a song, album or a line from a song from bands and artists I listen to.





	1. You are the Quiet One (Introduction 1/2)

**Author's Note:**

> THE TWO FIRST CHAPTERS WILL BE VERY SHORT (AND SHITTY TBH).

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Introduction part 1 of 2.  
> You might find chapter 1 -3 boring, lol soz.
> 
>  
> 
> FEEL FREE TO POINT OUT ANY MISTAKES! I MAKE A LOT OF 'EM.

(Eric’s POV)  
Song title is referring to: Now, Now - Roommates

 

“ _You are the quiet one_

 _You don’t have to say very much to get what you want_ ”, a voice coming through the earplugs of my phone sounded. It was not a rainy day, not at all, but I had still decided to listen to the playlist I had made for Real Friends’ Spotify account, “Songs for a rainy day”.

It was about 1 PM, and yet I was still only on the second song of the playlist. I might have sort of… Played it over again, though. Just a couple of times. And I did not exactly wake up early either.

I would listen to the playlist whenever it was a rainy day, be it actually rainy, or just sad. This day was sunny, but I did not feel too happy, so therefore I decided to give it a listen. Not that it made me feel better or anything. Rather, it made me give in for the self-pitying as I laid in bed, too demotivated to even get up.

Still on the second song, I started thinking about David. I always did when I listened to Roommates. The lyrical content was like an accurate description of us, and really hit me hard. Dave really was the quiet one of the two of us. He does not have to say very much to get what he wants.

He would often refer to himself as shy, but he was not. He knew that very well, too, but he kept saying it. I would always correct him; “you are the quiet one”. I had figured he was quiet because he was the typical “cool, silent guy” kind of person, who only talks to certain people – not that he was a jerk or anything like that. He was actually a very sociable person, and he was the kind of guy who everyone wants to hang around, because he is constantly entertaining or willing to listen. But I really could not get the idea of him wanting to be that kind of “cool” guy out of my head. To be honest, I found it to be dorky, but cute.

I really appreciated Dave, I really did. Most of all, I appreciated him on days like this, if he randomly texted me, talked to me, or smiled at me. He would cheer me up without even knowing, oblivious to the fact that I was having a bad day. But he did not contact me this day. I felt somewhat disappointed—not that I actually expected him to contact me. David was quite the busy guy anyway, but I had hoped for something to happen this day. Because this day marked as the last day before the last week of staying home before having to practise for tour again. In one week and one day from this day, we would play for another month before leaving for tour. And in two days, we would all meet for our weekly band hangout dinner lunch or whatever we even called it at this point. Which means I would be able to see Dave again.

Well, if he were free, that is. Family and relationships take up a lot of his time, and lately he has not engaged in the band as much as the rest of us have. I miss seeing him at least once every week. Just because it is our time off, does not mean we should not meet. I mean, yeah, hanging out with the same people for like, two months at a time can be exhausting, but… Not when it’s Dave. Or the others, of course, but I especially enjoy being around Dave. Brian too. I feel comfortable around them.  
Or, well, to be honest, I don’t really feel comfortable around Dave. Like, not 100 percent of the time. Maybe like, fifty? Or less? I dunno’. I mean, it is not his fault. It is my own fault.


	2. I am the Shy One (Introduction 2/2)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Super short chapter because this is a part of the two introduction-chapters.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Introduction 2/2.  
> You might find chapter 1 -3 boring, lol soz.
> 
>  
> 
> PLEASE FEEL FREE TO POINT OUT ANY MISTAKES. I MAKE A LOT OF 'EM.

(Eric’s POV)  
Song title is referring to: Now, Now - Roommates

 

“ _I am the shy one,_

_I don’t have to say very much to get what I want_ ”, the song continued. That was the part of the song that reminded me of myself.

I was the shy one of us. Therefore, I felt uncomfortable around people I did not know well. Heck, I felt uncomfortable around people I knew well, too. Like Dave. Brian was honestly the only person I felt comfortable around. Dave made me feel uncomfortable at a whole new level though. Although we were rather close, I always felt anxious that I would mess things up - say the wrong thing, do the wrong thing. Be awkward, weird, unfunny, intimidating, clingy, or even gross.

I really looked up to David. When I first joined the band, he was the first person I clicked with. At first I thought he was the kind of douche, dumb type of guy who is only in a band to hook up with girls and stuff like that. I remember him vomiting all over the ground the day I was asked to join the band. “What a fucking dumbass”, I thought, but still found him… Interesting. I soon realized he was quite the quiet guy as well.  
He seemed just as silent as me, so I stuck with him, hoping I wouldn’t seem too awkward if there were someone else there who seemed as quiet as me. But he was not as shy or even as silent as me, he was just a little quiet. And so he started a conversation with me. It made me feel sort of… Welcome. That even though I obviously was shy, he talked to me, and even though I thought he was quiet, he dared to talk to me. He seemed a little cold at first, but when he actually made me loosen up a little, I felt so much more safe around him, and the band in general.

I really, really liked David. You might want to call it a crush, but I dunno’. I mean, it was not like I had exactly focused on crushing on him, or like I felt like it was a part of my personality, like I had done before.

I had only been in love once before, with a girl, and she took up most parts of my life. My love for her was like an obsession, and it was an important part of my life. But it was not like that with David. At the moment, I didn’t feel the need to try and be in a relationship with him or fall harder for him or anything, and honestly, if he magically fell in love with me and went in for it, I probably would not have been able to do it. Being in a relationship is difficult, _especially_ if you are unsure about what you really are feeling.

Still, I truly loved Dave as a friend. Which might also have been the reason why I put the song, _Roommates_ , as the second song in my playlist; I _might_ have been trying to subtly tell him that I loved him through this song, but put another song before it to not make it too obvious – or creepy, or gross, or weird.

At times, I felt like I did not deserve or have the right to like Dave as a friend nor anything more. I was just a clingy little kid who never learned how to shut up. I talked too much about things that only interested me, and when I finally engaged in other people’s lives, I would only end up seeming creepy, awkward or inconsiderate. Yet, I still could not stop myself from thinking about him, talking to him, being around him, giving him attention, and wanting to be with him. Honestly, I actually thought of him to be the biggest jerk ever sometimes, when I felt as if he ignored me. I mean, most of the time I blamed myself, but sometimes, I felt like he had absolutely _no_ reason to treat me that way. He never realized how sensitive I was, how much he affected me. Brian is the only one who ever understood, which lead to me fleeing to him. A lot. Of course that too made me feel like a nuisance, but I let myself be just a little selfish when it came to Brian, because deep down, I knew he would love me even if I were needy and annoying.

Beams of light forced themselves through my curtains and eventually hit my face. That was when I decided to actually do something. The thought of texting Dave crossed my mind a couple of times, but I decided that I would avoid doing that. But then I reconsidered. Then reconsidered again. And again.  
_Don not text Dave, do not text Dave, do not text Dave._ Before I could even make up my mind, my hands had automatically texted Dave. _Darn_. Well, it was not like he would reply anytime soon anyway, but honestly, that made me even more stressed out. We would soon meet at band dinner, and knowing Dave, he would not open up the message until about the day we would go to dinner, making me feel awkward. He would probably ask why I texted him, and I would start laughing or blushing and make a fool of myself, not knowing how to explain. It was much easier for me to communicate through texts, because I was not forced to have an answer at the spot. In real life, though, I would either look like the saddest kid in the world, or fluster and start giggling like a little school girl whenever I had to answer a question that craved answers other than “yes” or “no”. I got both nervous and embarrassed easily, so this was a frequent situation.

A mix of anxiousness and excitement flowed from my stomach and into my heart as I heard my phone beep. Someone had sent me a message, and I surely did hope it might have, for once, been Dave answering within a decent time. Still, I tried to convince myself that it wasn’t; I had this kind of silly thought that if I hoped that someone had texted me, they never would. Like things always ended up the opposite of what I wanted. In addition, I believed that if I tried to force myself to think a person had not texted me back, only because I thought the chances of them actually doing it would increase if I pretended not to believe so, would have a negative effect.

I am not sure what I thought that day, because on that day, Dave texted me back in only a few minutes. This was the beginning of an entire day of me being overly sensitive about everything.


	3. Oh. Hi.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Eric realizes that he really likes David when he learns that David has a girlfriend.  
> You might find chapter 1 -3 boring, lol soz.
> 
> ||Eric's POV||

Song title is referring to: Now, Now – Oh. Hi.

 

Dave had texted me back. Dave Knox texted me back. David fucking I-usually-don’t-have-time-to-answer-Eric Knox texted me back. Within just a few minutes.

I instantly found myself to be smiling at our three message bubbles long conversation:

 **Eric:** Sup? Let’s hang out soon.

 **Dave:** Eating girl scout cookies and regretting life. Please put me out of my misery.

 **Dave:** Take me on a date in my living room right now, my sweet prince.

 _Typical Dave_.

Dave really, really liked his girl scout cookies. He also wrote weird things sometimes.  
Not so typical me, though. I did not usually write things like “sup?”, unless I wrote something for one of Real Friends’ accounts on social media, but this time I did. I thought that, when I used slang and seemed somewhat unserious, I might not look as lonely and desperate as I really was. Honestly though, I was probably just overthinking it.

I knew the “date”-part was a joke. We all often joked about taking each other on dates, or even being in a relationship, but I still got a little flustered over it. I guess. I dunno’, I just kind of get embarrassed easily, as I have already mentioned. I was about to spend time with one of my best buddies in the entire world. Even though he never texts back fast. Even though he has a tidy schedule. Even though I’m probably… Not his best friend. _Oops, accidentally hurting myself again. I’m such a smart guy, making myself sad right before I’m about to meet up with my friend and be happy_.

It had been quite a while since I saw him last. I could not wait to ask him about everything that has happened in his life, and listen to him rant about the things he has experienced, and the people he has met. I mentally prepared lines I would say when arriving at his house on my drive to Dave; I would start with a casual “hey buddy” and maybe add some sort of joke referring to his text (“… Your sweet prince is here”), and then I would let Dave control the conversation a little from then on. I would eventually move onto what he has been up to, then friends, family and other people he had run into. That was all I had to ask, before the conversation would automatically flow from one subject to another, as Dave would keep on talking, and I would patiently listen. I mean, I usually come with comments (sometimes too many – and then end up selfishly dominate the dialogue), but I enjoyed listening to David. He was so interesting, always telling fun stories, or talking about other people he knew, and their quirks and interests and hobbies. Dave knew a diverse group of people, which gave him a lot of knowledge and experience about this and that. He himself was also extremely amusing – I don’t know how, but he always managed to have a joke or story or pun ready for every situation, whether it be actually telling a joke, or physically doing something weirdly humorous.

After driving for a while and my mind disappearing in my day dreams, I came closer to Dave’s. I eventually ended up outside his apartment, a tad unsure of what to do. Although I had prepared (and rehearsed) a conversation, and even what positions to do, I felt completely lost, and struggled to get out of the car, afraid that leaving the car without knowing what to do, would turn out to be a mistake.

Stress started overwhelming me, and I swear I could feel a headache building up. I decided I had to get out without even thinking about what I was going to say; my nervousness would make me forget it later, anyway. When I finally managed to build up the courage to decide to step outside, I was met by Dave’s eyes looking down at me through the window of the car door.  
Holy moly, was I startled.  
His eyes were wide open, the white in his eyes showing clearly, making him look like a madman. He had probably been standing there for a good couple of seconds, maybe even as much as a minute.  
A smile spread across his face when he realized he had finally caught my attention, and he started laughing as he opened the door to my car. “You okay, Eric?”, he giggled and placed one hand on my shoulder. I swear I could feel my heart hammering against my chest. Even after understanding the situation, I was unable to close my enlarged eyes. I merely kept staring at David in shock, waiting for my body to return to a calmer state.

“Yeah, you just scared me”, I managed to force out of me. My voice was almost muted, and I had to cough and repeat myself; “yeah”. Dave rubbed my shoulder as he apologized and explained; “I didn’t know I’d scare you _that_ much”. He then invited me into his apartment, and I got out of the car in an almost robotic way – stiff movements that seemed throughout thought – and tagged along Dave, walking alongside him. I would usually walk behind the people I were with, but it was like Dave actually welcomed me to walk next to him.

When we got inside, David immediately initiated a conversation while I was trying to hang my coat on one of the many pegs by the apartment’s entrance. “So, why were you in the car for so long?”, he asked me as though he _wanted_ to give me a heart attack. I am pretty sure I made a pretty troubled expression when silently sitting in the seat, and he knows that I am a nervous guy, so why would he ask me that? I honestly could not picture him caring either. I am unsure if Dave even has the ability to comfort people. I mean, he is a great guy and all, but maybe he is a little too… Unserious to be able to deal with problems in a way that actually helps. He did have his moments of sensitivity and understanding, though.

“Uh…”, I said, looking at my jacket as I hung it up. The fabric of my jacket suddenly became conveniently interesting, so interesting that I just happened to zone out of the conversation; it had absolutely nothing to do with the fact that I did not know how to explain to Dave how the thought of being around him made me nervous as if I were a kid in love for the first time! _Duh!_

“Eric?”, Dave asked, expecting an answer. I turned around in order to not look suspicious, but I did not look into David’s eyes. Instead, I looked at his shoulder; it was high up enough for me not to seem like I completely avoided eye contact. “I was just thinking”. I took a short pause. “Y’know?”. Thankfully, Dave did not seem to be worried. I felt relieved, though I was immediately hit with anxiety again when Dave suddenly grabbed the sleeve of my striped shirt, and dragged me into his living room. “What were you thinking about?”, he casually asked, as if that question would not lead to a conversation that would make me feel extremely exposed and uncomfortable. How did he manage to ask questions like that so calmly? I mean, I had always been shy and anxious, but even an outgoing person would feel a certain amount of stress when being hit with lines like that.

I was still standing in the entrance to the living room when Dave was lying on his couch, looking at me with a hopeful and patient expression. His double-tip eyebrows (as I liked to describe them – sometimes it looked like the end of his eyebrows was split) were raised high, and his mouth was closed, his lips sucked close to his face, giving me an expression that said “I’m waiting for you to answer”. I had to come up with something quickly; and decided to slightly base it off of reality: “Well, you know - relationship stuff”, I told him. Maybe I chose this subject because it was the first thing that popped into my head, and maybe it might have been to see if he had any sort of reaction to it. I had hoped for him to be a little jealous, even though I knew that would be too good to be true.

Dave’s feet and calves were placed on the edge of his couch, allowing them to bounce up and down. His body language had changed from neutral and patient to impatient and eager. His arm reached out like a pointing arrow, leading me to the seat intended for me to sit in. “Oh?”, he let out as he adjusted his elbows, giving him the opportunity to lean more forward. He crossed his right leg over his left, and gathered his hands in the middle of his stomach, interested in what words would fall out my mouth next. I did not want to get into details, obviously. David was the person I was referring to, and I could certainly not tell him that it was him I had in mind. I could not just make up some person either, because I would eventually be exposed – I had experienced bad luck with lying earlier.  
“Yeah, it’s just this person I met”, I explained, not really giving Dave any more details. But hey, at least I was saying _something_.

“I see”, Dave replied, as if he pretended to have decoded a super difficult code I had talked in. He might have understood that I did not want to talk more about it. “You know, I too have been thinking a lot about relationships lately”, he marked. I knew exactly where this would lead, and I swallowed twice, even though I had almost no saliva in my mouth. I always got nervous when people spoke of things I knew would affect my feelings, and ended up swallowing and licking my lips frequently.

Dave had found someone he liked. I was sure of it. And today, he would tell me all about who this person was, and how wonderful they were, and how there was tension between them; and then ask me if I thought there could be anything between them. It had happened before. In the end though, he had never really ended up with any of the people he talked about. Not Lisa, not Alex, not Sam. I never really got to meet any of these people either, so I guess they were just temporary crushes. Still, I was jealous of them. Dave constantly met new and interesting people, yet they had been good enough for him to crush on them instead of one of the many others.

A slight burn grew between the knuckles of my fingers as I grinded all five fingers of both my hands against each other. _(A/N: This is something Eric actually does quite often, as well as licking his lips)._ “O-oh yeah?”. How cowardly of me. I could not get any other words out my mouth. If it were not for the fact that Dave is extremely dense sometimes, he would probably have understood by now that talking about his love interests bothered me quite a lot. His eyes were turned to the lamp on the ceiling that illuminated the room yellow as he let words that seemed to make him feel some sort of pride slip through his lips; “uh, yeah”, he sneered, then blinked once and placed his right knee under his folded hands. “I met this person – Elizabeth – and we just kind of connected”. _Elizabeth, huh? That’s the longest name so far, though I never got to know what Alex and Sam was short for._ “How is she?”, I asked, trying to act interested, although I had not wanted to have this conversation in the first place. Though, I have to admit that when I already had been a little heartbroken from knowing that Dave liked someone, I actually was interested in knowing what type of person this girl was.

Dave finally faced me, but our eyes did not meet. I hid my eyes behind my fringe, too hurt to even directly look in his direction. I mean, he did not intentionally hurt me, and he did not technically hurt me – it was rather the girl and my own feelings that made me feel hurt, but I really wish he had not brought it up at all. Dave answered my question: “She’s pretty cool… Nice, uh…”. He let out a “ _pff_ ”-sound as he in a rapid movement raised his right hand into the air, as though he was saying things out of the blue, and just throwing them out there. But I knew that he already knew exactly what to say. “ _Spontaneous_ , I guess”. His hand returned to the top of his knees in a _slap_ -sound. “We’ve been together for four weeks”, he was quick to add.

My vision blacked out for a split second, and I felt goose bumps spreading all over my body, practically making my body to move one inch closer to the ceiling for half a second. _Ouch_.

I did _not_ expect that. I did _not_ expect him to be dating this person. This had never happened before. He always told me about them _before_ even considering going into a relationship. Had he had been dating this girl for four weeks without even telling me? For how long had they known each other? Were they serious about it?

I had a lot of questions that would probably eventually end up with my chest aching and eventually feel like it implodes for each time I would receive an answer, yet I was still only able to form a sentence as short as “oh, that’s nice”. _God fucking damn it, that sounded so sarcastic_. I did not usually cuss, but I would internally swear from time to time, when I got mad at myself. “So how long have you known each other?”, I asked, trying to sound a little bit more eager than what I had done seconds before. Underneath my hands, my legs were shaking, knees lightly hitting each other because they went inwards. They always physically went inwards. That is how they had always been, ever since I was little. Kyle may have boney knees, but I have the legs of a calf; knees pointing towards each other, no matter how far apart my feet were. I eventually sat further behind in the chair and put one of my legs over the other, fearing that if I kept sitting in the position I had sat in, it would be obvious that my legs were trembling, and my fingers forcing themselves between each other in anxiety.

It felt like I had been waiting for Dave to answer forever, but it was really just my mind making everything seem as if it went slowly as I started to feel dizzy. “About six weeks”, he let out lightly. In other words, Dave had started dating this girl after knowing her for two weeks, while I had known him for years.

And still, I was no more than a friend to him. I appreciated our friendship, of course, but I wished we were something more. Well, honestly, I did not want it to be anything more until this day. Sure, I had crushed on it, but I had not _actually wanted_ it to be anything more. That would just harm our friendship, and the band, I had thought. But when he told me about this girl that he had actually got into a relationship with, I could suddenly feel my heart ache. I guess it is true, what they say—that you never know what you have until you’ve lost it.

I was unsure of how long this relationship would last, though. Was Dave serious about this girl? Or would they date for just a little while? I really felt the need to ask, but kept myself from doing so. However, Dave answered my question: “I don’t want to sound cheesy, but… I think she might be the one”.

The fact that he himself said that, not because someone asked, but just because he wanted to— because he thought so much of this person that even though they had known each other for a short time, he thought she were the one, made an immense pain occur in the left side of my chest. It was if my heart imploded, leaving a feeling of my heart being sucked out of my chest. The pain was not delightful at all— not even exciting, like adrenaline would usually make pain seem in hindsight. Instead, it made me feel sick, and all I could do was nod at what Dave had said as he was too busy thinking about this person to even look over at me and see how uncomfortable I was, leaving me to have to swallow in hope that tears would not fall out of my eyes; or vomit fall out of my mouth.

If only I had not neglected my feelings towards him earlier, then maybe these news would not make me feel as worthless as they did right now.

“Or like, maybe not _the_ one, but she is special”, Dave added after thinking for a little while, realizing he had been a little to hesitant to conclude that she was “the one”. As awful as it sounds, I felt a little relieved at that. I know I should have been happy for Dave, but it honestly made me feel like I meant nothing to him. He had not told me about her, and only wanted to talk to me when I contacted him first. And in addition, when I finally met him, he started talking about this girl he might want to settle down with, even though I am in love with him. But to be fair, David was unaware of my feelings.

Apparently Dave had noticed that I was a little quieter than usual today (not that I used to be that quiet when I was alone with friends), because noted that I had been awfully quiet today; “is it because of the person you were thinking about in the car?”. Honestly, I was a little surprised he noticed, not to mention actually cared enough to ask. I had the impression that even if Dave noticed something, he would not bother to ask about it. Not that that was a bad thing; sometimes it is better to give the other person space. Besides, I was not good at comforting people myself. I thought that offering emotional support was useless in the end, and people usually do not vent to you if their problems are solvable in a way that can make everyone involved happy.

“No, it’s okay”, I said, trying to sound positive. I swear you could hear that I had been close to crying, though. Not that Dave mentioned it, but he probably heard it anyway. I was thankful he did not mention it; this conversation was already making me uncomfortable. You know, I had many times wanted to be supported by Dave, or vent to him, but I had never really got the chance to, I guess..? So why did this very day have to be the day when he actually decided to ask me questions?  
“Eric, you know you can talk to me about stuff, right?”. _I actually did not know that, thank you very much._ I had no right to be salty about that, as it was my own fault I had not talked to Dave about things like this before. I sort of had issues trusting people and opening up, so I never gave Dave the chance to be there for me.  
I think Dave felt the same way, though; that I was unaware that he would be there for me, because his words left a taste of anxiousness on my tongue. It was probably the “right?” part that made me feel as if he was unsure as well. I still replied with “yeah, sure”. I was quick to add “you too… I mean, like, you can talk to me too”. _Why did I add that last part? It was unnecessary; of course he understood what I meant_. The whole situation overwhelmed me, and I had trouble finding the right words. I was surprised I managed to pay attention to the conversation at all. I felt dizzy and nauseous, which usually led me to almost passing out, causing me to lose my ability to concentrate, or in worst case scenario, lose my ability to hear and see.

The sound of paws walking over stone tiles on the left caught my attention. It was David’s dog, Lenny. “Hey, it’s Lenny!”, I almost yelled, hoping that the subject of the conversation would change. “Heyyy, buddy”, I greeted him like the idiotic animal lover I was. Dave laughed at that, and I could hear him shifting his position from laying down, to sitting on the edge of his couch. “Lenny, come here”, he commanded. My fingers ran over his fur as he walked past me and continued towards Dave. Lenny whined as he sat down in front of Dave’s lap. Dave understood what this meant; “I should take him on a walk”, he said as he petted Lenny’s ears. “Care to join me?”.

And so we went outside to take Lenny on a walk.

David held Lenny’s leash in his right hand, while the other rested in the pocked of his windbreaker. It was actually a Real Friends windbreaker; a kind of new piece of merchandise. He had commented on how weird it felt to wear merchandise from his own band, and stated that he only did it “ironically”, which he probably actually did. Well, either that, or he was just too lazy to actually go buy himself an actual jacket for the time being.

I was walking next to Dave – to his right – with nothing in my hands. I could just leave them resting in my pockets as well, but for some reason I did not. Instead, I continued quietly having my hands free in the cold air, leaving them a bit numb, as I repeatedly pressed the thumb of both of my hands against my index finger. It was kind of like snapping my fingers, except it did not make much of a sound.

I’d much rather hold Dave’s hand though. Why was that not a normal thing for friends to do? I mean, when it’s cold outside, holding hands will let you keep the warmth for much longer. In addition, holding hands keeps you from parting with your friend in crowded places. Not to mention that holding hands generally just makes you feel closer to a person on a sensitive, emotional level.

_I just want to know what it was like to hold David’s hand._

Speaking of which…

“Here, hold this for a sec’”, Dave said as he practically pushed the leash inside my hand. He managed to force it between my thumb and index finger, making me feel warmth appear in my face and upper body. In a way, we held hands for a split second… Right?

Okay, maybe not. I was still blushing over it, though. He had literally given me the leash so that he could pick up the little brown gift Lenny had given the road, yet I was still flustered about it. _I am the biggest dork to have ever existed_.

Those words were some of the few words exchanged during this walk. None of us talked that much, but it made me realize that it was kind of nice to be able to walk beside a person I really liked. We did not have to talk, because it would not make it awkward when I felt as close to him as I did.

The silence led me to realizing that probably both of us knew that there was something going on with me that day. Dave did not usually let the silence go on, but that day he did, because he understood that something was going on, and that I did not want to talk at the moment.

By the time we were back at Dave’s, I decided it was time for me to leave. Dave asked me something before I left. He asked if I were going to the next band dinner. “Everyone will be there”, he said. “Of course I’ll be there”, I had answered, unaware that “everyone” included Dave’s new girlfriend.

A dinner out with friends was quick to turn into an emotional rollercoaster.

 

 

 


	4. Anything Hurts Less Than the Quiet

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> FINALLY A CHAPTER WITH SOME ANGST, HECK YEAH?  
> In which Eric acts weird, Brian and Dave notices, and Eric and Brian end up having an argument right before the start of tour.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ||Eric's POV||

(Eric’s POV)

Song title is referring to: Troye Sivan – The Quiet

 

_Say anything. Anything hurts less than the quiet._

Two days had passed.

Today was band dinner.

We were all going to be there.

We were all going to talk to each other.

We were all going to discuss the band and touring.

Yet…

… All I could think of, was Dave.

 

We were going to Nonna’s pizza, and I decided I would be there extra early, and had made an extra early alarm in advance. David used to be early at meetups, and I wanted to be able to casually talk with him a little before the actual dinner.

I did not have much luck with me that day.

My alarm did not go off (or at least I did not hear it), and I ended up being late for the dinner. That was not the worst part, though. The worst part, was me seeing who was at the restaurant.  
I soon got a text from Dave:

 **Dave:** Hurry up and get here.

It made me a little happy to see Dave nagging about me getting there. Actually, that’s bullcrap; it made me very happy. Another text soon followed:

 **Dave:** i wanna meet you!!

_What does that mean? Does he miss me, or is he just bored? Perhaps he wants to tell me something?_

My heart was beating faster than normal, and I felt a little warm and fuzzy. Dave had never sent me a message like that before. I did get paranoid, thinking that one of the other guys sent it, but I could not think of any of them writing that. Except Dan, but he would probably just send me a message himself, or clarify that it was sent by him. I figured it had to be David who sent it after all, and hurried outside; so fast that I almost forgot my jacket. I opened the door to my car, and jumped in. I started the engine, but was quick to focus on something else; I had not replied to Dave.

 **Eric:** I’m leaving now. Tell everyone that I’m sorry for the delay, alright?

Dave did not reply, but I did not mind either. I was busy driving, anyway.

I was hurrying through the traffic, and drove just _a little_ too fast when I got to the open road. I did not take a lot of time to get there, probably less than 10 minutes. After all, I lived nearby.

I entered the restaurant, and was quick to find our table. Everyone was there—including a girl who sat next to Dave. My chest ached, maybe even before I realized who it was; it was David’s new girlfriend, Elizabeth.

She had dark blonde hair, and a wide, inviting smile, that was all I could tell. Looking at her face made me feel dizzy, so I decided I would avoid directly looking at her.  
Dave pointed at me when he spotted me, and the girl was quick to turn around and smile at me. Soon, the whole table was looking at me, and both Dave and his girlfriend waved at me.

I felt somewhat betrayed, realizing that Dave had invited his girlfriend without even letting me know first. Of course, I later understood that I had no reason to feel that way, but I thought that Dave would let me meet her before anyone else. Yet, there she was, sitting with my friends, talking to them as if they were hers to claim.

A forced smile spread across my face as I strolled towards them, my arms held close to my body in anxiety. They were sitting around a square table on the right side of the room, closest to the wall. “Heyy”, I greeted them, and tried not to look at David, knowing it would hurt. Instead, I looked at Brian, who was sitting in the seat that ended by the wall. He was looking back at me, and had been for a while. He did not look as happy as the others; it was like he was concentrating too much to smile. “Eric”, he said, but lost my attention when Elizabeth reached out her hand to me. “Nice to finally meet you”, she said as she held Dave’s phone, showing the messages from earlier that day. “It was me who sent the last message”, she told me as I grabbed her hand and shook it. Dave laughed a little, and I started laughing too, because I was nervous. I avoided looking into her or Dave’s eyes, so I just looked at whoever sat next to them, which turned out to be the hyperactive goofball, Ahern.

_Thank God I did not reply to that message in a stupid way, like I could have._

I was tempted to reply to that specific message, but luckily I had managed not to.

“Elizabeth, right?”, I asked her, knowing damn well that her name was Elizabeth. Her name had been stuck in my mind ever since Dave told me.

“Yeah, Liz”, she replied, and turned to Dave. “Dave and Liz”, she giggled.

 _Haha, you both have a nickname. Wow, that is_ so _funny. Hahaha._

I did not know why I was angered or felt like saying sarcastic things, because I would usually just get sad when Dave talked about or talked with other people. I eventually came to the conclusion that I was envious because this time, Dave was _actually_ in a real relationship with the person.

After that, Elizabeth – or Liz – stopped caring about me. She was now busy talking with Dave. She did not even ask what my name was, though it was apparent David had told her what my name was earlier.

I looked down on the floor for a second, before remembering that Brian had tried to talk to me. Despite his eyes being sort of hidden by the black cap he wore, my eyes met his. I was confused about what emotion they were expressing. It was almost as if his eyes looked sad, like someone whose eyes are about to cry, but his mouth formed a slight smirk, which it did not do a few seconds beforehand.

“Come sit down here, Eric”, he suggested, voice sounding friendly. He and Kyle were sitting on a bench with a leather cushion sewn to it. His hands patted a small area between him and Kyle, and Kyle instinctively moved further away from Brian to make up some space for me. I looked down quick before looking back at Brian, keeping the eye contact while walking to my spot.

As fast as I sat down, Brian put his arm around my neck, hugging me. “He-hey buddy, how’ve you been?”, I was asked, but he only looked at me for a split second while asking. Rather, he focused more on Dave than me, before looking back at me for a short while.

I too, was switching my focus; between Dave and Brian. Brian’s words did not meet my ears at first, because I was too busy seeing what Dave was doing, and then seeing what Brian was looking at. The realization of what Brian said, soon hit me, and I answered: “Uh, I’ve been good. Things have been good”. With swift movements, I looked around in the room to subtly look in Dave and Liz’ direction. “How have you been?”, I added, and finally gave Brian my undivided attention when I felt like I had seen enough of what Dave was up to; he was only talking with Liz anyway.

You know, the kind of talk you have with your partner, that no one else really gets, because you have a bond different from what others have with you.

Brian and I kept talking during the entire dinner. No one else talked to us since we were busy talking to each other, and we did not talk to anyone else. I was afraid to engage a conversation with anyone else, fearing that Dave would somehow join the conversation. I needed Brian to distract me from Dave and Liz, and it was as if he knew that. It was as if he could read my mind, because he kept talking with me. I also found it kind of suspicious how he looked at me and David when I looked at David. I figured he understood that there was something between me and Dave that day. Funny how Brian understood that better than Dave, huh?

Time passed fast, and the dinner was suddenly over. “Who’s paying?”, someone asked – I think it was Dan, but I am not sure, since those words were the first to break my conversation with Brian. “Uh, I can pay”, Dave suggested. However, I wanted some alone time before going outside with everyone and saying goodbye, so I quickly shook away that thought from Dave by volunteering to pay; “I’d gladly pay. Don’t worry about paying me back, I’m pretty sure I owe all of you money, anyway”.

And so it was decided that I would pay. The others started packing their things as they had a chat about something my mind was not able to focus on, but Brian kept out of the conversation. While the others were walking towards the entrance of the restaurant, Brian was still standing there with his hands resting in the pockets of his duvet jacket. I knew he was behind me, but I pretended like I had not noticed to avoid having a conversation with him, because I just wanted to be left alone for a moment.

Suddenly, Brian decided to hug me tightly from behind. He squeezed his arms around my waist, and pushed his right cheek against my left cheek. “See you outside”, he laughed. I was surprised, and did not manage to reply with anything else than nonsense mumbling. He let go, and then suddenly reached out his hand to adjust his cap before rapidly turning his heel, and walking out of the building with long steps. I looked after him, and noticed Dave was standing by the entrance. Chills were sent down my spine, and I suddenly felt a heartbeat more intense than the others I had earlier that day.

I searched my pockets for bills and coins, because apparently I had forgotten to bring my card to pay with. I managed to find almost the right amount of money, but I was one dollar and 25 cents away from having enough money. _Seriously?!_

Luckily, Dave waddled over to me. I tried to act cool, and give clear instructions on what I needed, in order not to make a conversation that would lead to me actually having to talk about anything not related to paying for the meal; I was too emotionally exhausted to talk about literally everything else with Dave right then, but I still ended up having to do so.

“Hey, Dave… Funny thing, uh… I have one dollar and 25 cents too little”. Dave laughed and examined his pockets, and handed me a five-dollar bill after a few seconds of searching. “I was afraid something like this would happen, so I came back to check on you”, he explained. I thanked him, and proceeded to give him a few dollars and cents back, since he gave me more money than I needed. However, he rejected them; “you know I hate touching coins”, he noted. “Oh. Right”. Without even looking at his face, I placed the dollar bills I had, in his palms. My gaze was set on his open hand, which he did not close until I finished talking; “I’m sorry”, I said lastly. He smiled a little at that, brushing it off as “no big deal”. Dave was one to be easily sickened, and he would often feel like vomiting by the smallest of things, like coins that many people had touched (as if bills were any better).

“Eric?”, Dave asked. I swallowed, and my heart started beating fast again. If someone addresses you by name, and actually waits for you to answer before continuing their question, you know something is up. “Yeah?”, I asked, trying to suppress my anxiousness by making my voice sound of boredom. “Why were you so quiet today?”. The words fell out his mouth before he himself jumped to a conclusion; “was it because of the person you thought of the other day, in the car?”. I tried to avoid David’s questions by denying that I had been quiet; “I was not quiet. I just, like, talked a lot to Brian. That is all”. We stood across each other, but I refused to look at him. Instead I looked down at my right hand as I pushed my thumb against my index finger. David let out an “oh” shortly followed by “I see”. He scratched the back of his head and put one foot closer to me, as if he were getting more interested in what I had to say in this conversation. “Eric, are you, like… Not straight?”, he asked me. “What?”, I laughed, not really answering his question. Dave continued: “It’s just… I saw him hug you and telling you he would see you outside, like, seconds before I walked over to you”. He swallowed and sighed lightly. “Even for Brian, that type of hug is kinda’ intimate. Are you into Brian, or..?”. I laughed a little, until I realized Dave was being serious. I lowered my eyebrows in seriousness, and turned my body towards the entrance; I was ready to leave now. This conversation was only making me uncomfortable. “Oh! Uh… No. I don’t think Brian is— I’m not— I’m into girls, you know?”. I was afraid to admit that I did indeed like males as well, fearing that Dave would figure out I had a thing for him. “Yeah. I know”, he assured me. “But you can be into both girls _and_ boys at the same time”. I did not answer, I just looked to my left and gave him and almost invisible nod. Suddenly, I felt like asking questions; “why didn’t you tell me ‘Liz’ was coming to dinner? I honestly thought you would let me meet her in a smaller company… Considering you talked to me about her, I mean”. I hoped I did not sound too hurt or annoyed when asking that, but it was probably very obvious. It actually did hurt me to know I was not important enough to Dave for him to introduce me to his girlfriend, and actually let me get to know her. His gaze hovered over the floor, as if he tried to find one specific spot to focus on.

_Say anything. Anything hurts less than the quiet._

I was hit with a long “I don’t know”, that sounded throughout thought. So, obviously, he did know. He just did not want to let me know. Once again, I gave him a small nod, before making my way out of the building.

When I got to the door, I held it open, and waited for David to come. I let him pass through first, as I said “bye”. That way, I was able to watch him walk and make sure he actually walked to his car. I was still overwhelmed by the conversation we had.

I was soon to walk outside too, but my car was not parked on the same side as Dave’s. I went to the left, and was soon frightened because of Brian seemingly coming out of nowhere. I had not seen him when leaving the restaurant, but he was leaning one side of his body against the wall, as he waited for me. “Yo”, he said, and tilted his head. He then sneered. I did not answer with words. Instead, I looked at him and smiled, and dangled my arms about. “I didn’t take a car here. Can you drive me home?”. I was a little relieved that the reason he waited for me, was because he needed a ride. For a few seconds, I was afraid he was going to talk to me about me acting kind of weird during the dinner, since I had only talked to him. “Uh, sure”, I said as I raised one of my eyebrows. We walked to my car together, and in my side view, I could sight Dave and Liz driving away in his car. She was probably going to spend the night at Dave’s. _Ouch._ It hurt, of course, but I decided I would try focusing on Brian instead of Dave.

We got in the car, I in the driver’s seat, Brian in the passenger seat. Without a single word exchanged, I twisted the key, and started driving towards the highway. I kept my eyes on the road, but I knew Brian was sitting silently next to me, looking out the window at the passing light posts. My mouth was about to open up to speak, when Brian managed to initiate a conversation before me; “so, what do you think about Liz?”.

_Of course. I should have seen it coming. It was an almost inevitable question._

My fingertips changed their place on the steering wheel a bit, and I swallowed my saliva before coming up with an answer. “Uh, she seemed nice. ‘Didn’t really get to talk to her that much, though”, I managed to say. My voice was surprisingly calm, and I was satisfied with my answer; I was so cranky at the moment, that I could have said something I would regret. Brian, who had been sitting with his arms laying loosely against his body, put one arm against the window, and rested his head in his hand. “Mm”, he said, as if he confirmed what I said. “I didn’t really… Get to talk to her that much either. Uh…”, he told me. He closed his eyes as he shrugged; “’only got to talk to her a little before you came, and that was pretty much it”. I hesitated answering, but decided to stay neutral: “Hm”. Though, I quickly realized I probably sounded angered, so I decided to add “maybe she’s just shy?”.

I now felt very uncomfortable, fearing that I would accidentally let out my emotions a little too much. That was when Brian said something unexpected.

He placed his idle hand on the knee of the same side of his body, and started tapping the foot of the same leg. “I wouldn’t worry too much about it, though”. His head was removed from his hand, and instead he scratched his chin with it. Brian continued talking: “I don’t think they will last that long”. He shifted his eyes towards me for a short moment, before keeping his gaze on the passing lights again. An ache that started in my heart, spread to my entire upper body, and I froze for a second. Then I felt relief, and my shoulders sunk. I was relieved that Brian thought they would break up. What the heck was wrong with me? I disgusted myself, but at the same time, I tried to tell myself that it was okay to think that way – _if they end up breaking up after all, they were never meant to be anyway, right?_ Brian was usually right about things like this, as he was good at picking up the chemistry and tension between people. That was probably why I always ran to Brian when I needed help.

It suddenly hit me that Brian probably said these things to make me feel better, because he knew that David was important to me. He did not know just _how_ important, but he probably thought that I was afraid to be replaced, or something of the like. I needed an answer, and acted before I thought, by directly asking him: “Brian, are you telling me this because you think I’m afraid to be replaced, or something?”. All I could see was his cap, hiding his face, as he kept gazing out the window, at the beams of light from lanterns, windows, and the barely visible stars that formed a pattern over the city. Every now and then, he sighted a house making the pattern smaller by turning off the lights in their rooms. When we drove down the roads, it was like these patterns of lights were a single line; a thread, just like the threads that bring every person in the world together in a massive pattern.

“I wonder if that’s why”, he finally replied. Not that it really answered my question. “Does it really matter, though? Like, the reason _why_ I’m telling you should be irrelevant as long as I truly mean what I say”, was his conclusion. His answer came as a surprise. It was as if he had already dwelled on this earlier, maybe because he _really_ wanted to tell me what he did, but felt like he should not have, because it could be somehow morally bad. I lowered my head slightly, trying to analyse what Brian told me. “I guess, I mean- you’re probably right”. Almost before I was able to finish my sentence, Brian confirmed my answer; “yeah, I am”. I could not hold back, I had to smile at that. He was always so confident when it came to his observations and reflections, though he liked to see things from multiple points of view before stating an opinion.

We did not talk more after that. Though, we were already almost by Brian’s apartment. Brian cleared his throat, and placed his hand on my shoulder before leaving. “Well”, he said. “Thanks for the ride”. He was halfway through the door, when he stopped to turn around to me. “She didn’t even ask your name, you know? I don’t think Dave will be able to love a person who has no interest in his friends”. And so he went off.

Brian was probably right; it was only logical to dump someone who does not engage in your friends, right?

Still, I felt anxiety and paranoia crawl upon me when we went back to practise before tour. David kept talking about Elizabeth, and it was obvious things were going well. Whenever he talked about Liz, my heart started aching again, more intense by each time. The worst aches occurred when we were all talking about things that had nothing to do with Liz – and Dave managed to make her relevant for the conversation anyway.

One time, we were by the end of practise, and we were all talking about how hyped we were for tour. Dave suddenly decided to beg Kyle to let him ask Liz to join us on tour for a short period of time. I was afraid Kyle would say yes to this, and I could not imagine what touring with her would be like. Right there, right then, I felt like crying. Not only did I _feel_ like crying; I actually cried, and decided to leave the room. However, Dan saw me trying to leave, and stopped me by calling me out: “Eric, where are you going?”. I came up with something fast, and said I felt nauseous. As I kept walking, I heard Brian interrupt Dave and Kyle’s conversation. “No offense Dave, but I don’t want your girl on tour”. Dave sounded offended when he quickly asked him why, though. “I just… I’m super stressed about this tour, okay?”. I could hear Brian’s almost aggressive sounding words through the wall, followed by a low “okay, I was just asking” from Dave.

I sat down outside the building, against the wall. Footsteps were soon to be heard, and Brian stepped in front of me. Since it was only Brian, and because he sort of knew parts of what was going on, I decided not to ignore him. My eyes were moist when I looked at him, but after a few seconds, they were wet and filled with tears. I tried to smile, but it was just too difficult. Brian sighed my name, and reached out his hand for me to grab. He then proceeded to drag me up from the ground, and patted my back. “There, there, buddy. It’ll be OK. Liz isn’t coming on tour, you big baby”. I closed my eyes and hugged Brian, digging my face into his shoulders. “Thank you”, I managed to let out, although my voice was broken. Brian hugged me back, but not as tight as he usually did, as if he only hugged me to make me feel better, while he usually hugged me back because he truly wanted to. “You know, I actually wanted Liz to join us on tour, for personal reasons”. He swallowed and exhaled deeply through his nose. “But when I saw you trying to leave practise, I felt too guilty to let Dave have his way”.

_Once again I have made Brian go out of his way to make me feel better. I’m pathetic._

I sniffled, and opened my eyes, although my face was still buried in Brian’s shoulder. “What kinds of personal reasons?”. I was curious to know what actually made Brian _want_ to have Liz on tour, if he thought she and Dave would break up.

He stopped hugging me back while thinking of a way to answer. Instead, he placed his hands on my shoulders as he tried to form a sentence, starting with “well”. He ran one hand through my hair, before placing it on my shoulder again. “Don’t you think it’s time you get over Dave? For that to happen, you need to realize that he has a girlfriend”.

_Okay, now Brian is sending mixed signals._

I removed my head from his shoulder, and looked straight into his eyes, which seemed to startle him. “Get over? It’s not like I’m in love with him”, I said, my voice sounding a little angrier than planned. Brian raised one eyebrow before quickly looking away, then back at me.

 _Oh, crap. Does he know? Well, I’m not letting him go_ there _and talk about_ that _._

“ _You_ said they’d break up!”. I might have tried to push some guilt onto Brian. I was hurt to know that Brian wanted me to “get over” Dave, not even thinking about how much it would hurt, even if he thought I viewed Dave as just a friend.

“I changed my mind”.

I frowned, again at the verge of tears. “They might last long after all”, he said, sounding a little _too_ positive, in my opinion. Perhaps I was angry just because Brian was a better friend than me, since he seemed to genuinely support their relationship?

“I’m going home”, I said determinately. Brian’s grip was already loose, so I managed to loosen it up even more, and move away from him. “Wait, Eric. Let’s talk about this!”. I felt like I had been backstabbed by my most loyal friend, and really needed some time alone to think. “The others will come soon. I don’t want them to see me like this”. I started walking away from Brian, and looked down at my feet as I did. “I told them not to come out until I came inside, so it’s okay”, he explained, but I just kept walking. I had no interest in talking more about this. “Eric, come on!”, he shouted, but I was already almost by my car. I heard him let out an aggressive noise that sounded like a loud sigh, except it sounded like he said “gah”. The sound was soon followed by fast steps in the opposite direction of me.

And so we walked in opposite directions, our backs facing each other.

This was our last practise before tour.

We were fighting right before tour started. I had to see Brian in just a short while, still not having cleared up the fight. I felt so worthless, and like the biggest douchebag in the world. Brian had not done anything wrong, yet I decided to be cranky about it.

And turns out, Brian was right about some of the things he said about Dave and Liz.


	5. But I Do

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which they go on tour, Dave and Liz break up, and Dave and Eric get closer. Eric feels more comfortable around Dave and Brian. For a while.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Still Eric's POV, lmao. I have written some scenes in Dave's POV though, so there will be chapters seen from his point of view.

(Eric’s POV)

Song title is referring to: Now, Now – But I Do

 

_“I am what you need when you can’t find it somewhere else,_

_I am what you want when you don’t have anything else”._

Turns out, Brian was right about David and Elizabeth.

They did not last for long.

 

It was our first day of tour. We were all gathered outside the building where we stash our merchandise. I was the fourth person to arrive, Dave, Kyle, and Dan being the first three. I knew something was up when Kyle kept holding his hand on Dave’s shoulder, even though Dave faced away from him. Dan was also there, right by them, saying something I could not make out. Though, it did not take me long to realize they were saying supportive words to Dave, because something had happened.

_Dave and Liz broke up._

I know it is horrible of me to say this, but back then, I felt relieved that they had broken up.

What I failed to realize at first, was that _Dave_ was the one being supported during this, because _Dave_ was the one who was _sad_.

In other words, _Liz_ was the one who broke up with Dave.

Dave still had feelings for her, and even though I did not want him to be sad, I got upset by this.

I walked up to them, but more carefully than usual. “Hi”, I said softly. I looked over at Daniel, who nodded to me, before he hugged me and said: “Hey, good to see you”, a little less enthusiastic than he normally would, in sympathy. I looked at him again, and gave him a quick smile, but Dan did not look back at me. Instead, he looked behind me, where Brian appeared to stand. Brian had understood that the atmosphere was bluer today than it usually would be on the first day of tour. He took one or two steps forward, and stood to my left, about two inches closer to the others than I was. His eyes were determined on seeing straight ahead, making it too obvious that he tried to avoid me.

I do not know what got into me that day (it was probably that I was frustrated), but I decided I would be a tad bitter; “hm”, I said and caught Brian’s attention, although he tried not to look in my direction. I lowered my voice to the point where only Brian could hear what I said; “I guess you were right the first time, after all”. When I said that, he had to look at me. His focus was set on Dave again soon, but he proceeded to enter the conversation with caution, because Dave was down, but also because he had said that they would not last, only about a month earlier.

Were Brian and I in the position to console Dave? Probably not – I had hoped they would break up for my selfish reasons, and Brian had somewhat agreed; but we tried to comfort him anyway.

“Cheer up, Dave. You can’t be going on tour like this”, Brian exclaimed, and gave him a friendly clap on the back. Dave looked down on the ground for a moment. It seemed he thought about what Brian said, because he spoke up immediately after lifting his gaze to somewhere past us all; “you’re right. Let’s go on tour and fucking… Rock some ass!”. There was a little pause before “rock some ass”, probably because it sounded ridiculous to him, and the rest of us. Still, we would use that phrase quite a lot, and we all laughed when someone used it unironically, like in that moment.

We drove to the airport; we were starting with our Europe tour, and our tour started in the Netherlands. Although we were not actually going to play on the day we left, we still referred to it as “first day of tour”, because we were leaving home. I did not really mind being away from home that much, though. I would much rather be with my friends and have fun than be home. Don’t get me wrong, I have a family and all— I just… Never felt that connected to them, you know? I have always struggled with loneliness, and my family never really helped me feel less alone.

Brian, on the other hand, has a big family. Though he does not live with them, he spends a lot of time with them. It was probably really difficult for Brian to be away from home at times.

I slept through half of the drive to the airport. Dan and I sat in the last seats of the van, Dan constantly shifting between sleeping and awakening. Kyle drove while talking to Dave, who sat in the seat next to him, and Brian decided to camp in the seat row between us. Dave basically spent the entire trip venting about how he had no idea what he did wrong, and how he felt like he was fooled. I was awake the first half of the drive, but I did not exchange a single word. Nor did Brian. I think we both listened to Kyle and Dave’s conversation, though I did not understand why Brian was interested in Dave’s relationship. Was it because he felt some sort of guilt as well?

I had started getting used to not speaking in the van, even though I usually did speak, when my days (more like minutes) of silence were over; Kyle suddenly decided to check up on me and Brian, and ask us why we were so silent. Brian kept silent, but I, still feeling a little bitter, ignored the question by closing my eyes and telling them not to talk to me, because I was going to sleep, which ended up with me actually falling asleep. I needed a break from Dave’s rants, anyway. I could not bear him talking about how he wished he could have been a better boyfriend to Liz. I bet he was good enough. I bet he was a great boyfriend, but Dave was probably just not what Elizabeth was looking for.

I did not wake up until we got to the airport. We met Ahern at the airport; he had stayed over at a friend’s the day before, since they already lived nearby. Tired- and grumpiness still repelled me, so I was still keeping my mouth shut, knowing that I could probably say something mean if I let it open. I actually only exchanged about twenty words by the time we got on our flight. We had all been assigned seats, and though they were seats with numbers that would let us all sit together, I was not pleased with the spots; Dave and Kyle sat on what would be the rear end of our crew, the two Dan’s sat in the middle row, and I was placed in the front row. My seat was the first in the entire flight, and I knew that Brian of course would have to sit next to me. Luckily for me, I got the window seat. At least then, I could look out the window if I did not feel like talking.  
For the time being, Brian was placing his bag on some shelf somewhere, since someone else had taken our space. He returned to his seat before take-off, and when he approached me, I accidentally looked at him; I forgot that it was he who would walk down that hallway, and looked at where the footsteps came from, in curiosity. My mouth opened itself since I considered saying something for a second, but was quick to withdraw. Even after my lips united, we kept the eye contact for a little while, before I looked down, then out the window. A sigh was released from Brian as he sat down, his legs taking up as much space of the floor as possible; since we were in the front row, we’d might as well take advantage of the additional spaciousness.

We sat next to each other for a while, looking away from each other, until I felt Brian’s clammy hand touch mine. Who would have thought that _Brian_ could be so nervous that he would get clammy hands?  
“Eric, look…”. It seemed he knew what to say, but that something still held him back. He swallowed his saliva as well as some of his pride before coming with his apology; “you can’t stay mad at me forever, okay? I’m sorry for what I said, and I know it was inconsiderate, but you have to understand that I had my reasons to. You aren’t the only one who gets affected by other people’s actions, alright”. He said all of it without taking a real breather, clearly showing that he worried about this enough to be nervous about letting the words slip through his lips. “I’m sorry - so fucking sorry. Turns out my last prediction was wrong, though, so be happy for that, at least”. I had to show Brian that I accepted his apology when he said that, but I knew that if I tried to speak, no words would come out. I was at the verge of tears, so instead of speaking, I turned my hand so that Brian’s palm would face my palm. Our fingers intertwined, and I gave his hand a light squeeze, and held the squeeze for quite a while. I was still facing away from Brian, but now with forcibly closed eyes, in order to stop salty drops from running down my cheek. Not only was I tired enough to start crying from the smallest of things, but I also knew that Brian’s apology was sincere. But the thing that made me want to cry the most, was probably the fact that I had wanted Dave and Liz to break up.

Brian’s hand was bigger than mine, but it perfectly embraced mine in a surprisingly comforting way, so I did not want to let go of it. I did not let go of it even when I decided I would lean my head on Brian’s shoulder. I sniffled before I started self-deprecating to Brian; “I was a little relieved… Which makes me feel awful”. He understood what I meant right away, and patted my head and ruffled my hair in the process, telling me not to worry about it. “I’d be the same in your situation”, he told me as he leaned his head against mine. I could feel him take a deep breath, and though I could not see his face very well from that angle, it seemed his eyes were still open. Kyle and Dave’s whispering voices exchanged words about us, as if they were middle schoolers who could not keep their mouths shut about the latest rumours. “Seems like Eric and Brian made up and are acting like usual again”, Kyle noted. My stare was set on Brian, and I saw that his eyelids fell over his eyes as he slowly exhaled the long breath he had inhaled a couple of seconds earlier. I, too, closed my eyes, before falling asleep on Brian’s shoulder.

Brian and I acted normally after that, but I still did not exchange many words with him or anyone else that day. I was still tired in addition to feeling a little down, so I really did not have the energy to talk to anyone at all.

Fast forward, it was 2 AM, and we were worn out. We were not playing any shows until approximately 36 hours, though, so we had some time to get used to the jetlag. Earlier that week, we had booked three hotel rooms for all of the band members to sleep in, so luckily, there was no stressing about finding someplace to sleep. Sad and sleep deprived I went to bed, not knowing what things would happen from then on. I had managed to forget a little bit about David’s situation since I fell asleep on the flight, but it was not like Dave was going to grieve for only one day – even though it almost seemed like it.

The next few days went much better than expected. We were back on tour, and it felt great. It seemed Dave had finished venting on the first day too, so I was not constantly reminded that he missed Liz. Dave and I could be around each other normally again. I was no longer worried about the fact that I felt relieved when they broke up; that’s just how you think when you are in love.

… Which means I was now actually in love with Dave… I think?

I spent as much time as possible with Dave, and he let me too. He probably needed someone by his side, and I did not plan on leaving. Sometimes I felt like I did want to leave his side, though. I cared so much for him, yet he did not show much affection back. I mean, he had always kind of been like that, and he had recently broken up with his first real girlfriend, but I still felt like I deserved better. Love is selfish, which is why you fail to see the ones who really care about you, because you are too busy caring about someone who does not notice that you care about them. Kind of like an evil circle, eh? Well, that was my situation at the time; it was as if I forgot Brian as fast as I had the opportunity to be with Dave. But I swear, I did not forget Brian; I just had my priorities. However, I should have taken more time to be with Brian, and see all the things he did for me. David could survive without me for _some_ time, so it was not necessary for me to be around him _all_ the time.

Still, my hangouts with Dave alone became more frequent. We were with the others more than just the two of us, but still – we were together a lot. We had always kind of been a duo, though. We were both guitarists, we both explored towns we played in together, and Dave would often talk about “Eric and I”, clearly showing that we were together a lot. Recently, our walks in the towns we visited had been longer than before, and we tried to do and see as many things as possible. Perhaps this was a distraction for Dave that I failed to notice, that I should have talked to him about. Actually, I am almost positive it was, and I knew that back then, but I refused to talk to him about it, fearing that our time together as just the two of us, would be rarer. The more time I spent with Dave that tour, the more attached I got. I got anxiety from being alone, and had to have someone around me at all times, preferably Dave or Brian. I created a lot of happy memories with them on that tour, but also a lot of anxiety filled moments.

One of my favourite memories, was when we played a kids’ show in the UK. Obviously, we did not sing our songs, since the lyrics have a little strong language... Or depressive lyrics that kids probably should not hear at such a young age. We also played using acoustic guitars, and minimal use of the drum set’s cymbals.  
Anyway - before the show, we sat by a wide stand and made bracelets and necklaces with some of the children. Dave had suddenly put a bracelet around my wrist, that spelt my name. It consisted of mostly green plastic pearls, and the threads’ ends were braided. His chuckling blended in with the giggles of the children around the tables. Dave found it humorous, but I honestly treasured that bracelet. Even if it were a joke, he spent time crafting it. And I guess I saw it as some sort of symbol or proof that Dave and I really were close friends, if we were able to joke around like that. I told him I would wear it, and that if anyone asked, I would say that a fan made it. Dave laughed even harder then, telling me: “Well, that wouldn’t be all lies”. I also made him one in return that looked almost the exact same, except it said “D-A-V-E” instead of “E-R-I-C”. We both agreed we would wear them the entire tour, and whoever lost or took theirs off first, had to buy the other dinner. It was probably just a dorky inside joke to David, but to me, it meant a lot. I do not think any of my other friends would actually engage in something as silly as that; which is why Dave is _so_ much more amusing and interesting than anyone else I have talked to. Dave did not need a reasonable purpose to do things. He just wanted to have fun and make the most out of things. He would agree on doing most things, as long as they were not harmful. Dave made me happy like no one else could.

The day we made friendship bracelets, was also the day before I saw Dave’s sad eyes onstage. He seemed to be happy all tour, and we thought he was getting over Liz; they were not together for that long anyway, so she would not leave that much of a mark, right?

Turns out Liz really left a hole in Dave’s heart, huh? His first time being in a real relationship, and all that.

Dave and I had passed each other on stage, and although he tried to hide his face, I managed to get a glimpse of his eyes – and spotted a tear coming from one of them. I had been having a feeling that Dave still was hurt, but I had also hoped that I was wrong. Unfortunately for both me and Dave, I was not. My vision blurred out after seeing the tear running down his cheek, and I kept standing in the place I had stood when Dave walked passed me. I stood almost completely still, with the exception of my hands unconsciously playing the guitar, without me even thinking about which song we were playing. I kept my eyes in the direction I had when I saw what David had tried to hide, and it was as if the world stood still until the end of the song. My chest was raised high as I breathed, but it eventually got lower when Dan started speaking, and I realized we soon would start a new song. I sighted movement on the rightmost side of the stage, where Kyle and Dave stood. Turns out, it was Kyle who moved around, because Dave stood completely still. He was not stiff, no. It was if he stood still because he was carrying a weight—as if his body was too heavy for him—and that he was too weak to fight the force pushing his shoulders down. Never had I ever seen such body language come from Dave. He looked miserable, exhausted, and like he was about to give up on a difficult exam. There were only a few songs left of the set, and I decided that I would try to keep my eyes on Dave every now and then, to see if he seemed to get better or worse – but his body language remained unchanged.

After the concert, we were all pretty tired. However, Dave insisted he was so tired that he was about to fall asleep, so after we got back to the bus, he said that he would go ahead and go to bed. “We all probably should”, Kyle suggested. “It’s been so long since we actually got a good amount of sleep”. When it was suddenly decided that _all_ of us would go to bed at the same time, Dave suddenly was not sleepy anymore, and went outside without anyone but me noticing.

Throughout the concert, I had wanted to talk to Dave about what I saw, so I decided I would finally talk to him; I followed him outside.

At first, I could not find him. I looked around, and he was nowhere to be seen, despite him going outside only a couple of seconds before me. But then, a seemingly forcibly curious voice called at me; “what do you want?”. It came from underneath me, and I turned my head to find David sitting with his arms resting on his legs that were fairly spread, as if he were tired and upset. I went ahead and sat next to him without saying anything. I sat with my legs together, though, and held my arms tightly around them. As I tried figuring out what I would say, I looked down on the ground, and did not see what kind of expression Dave had. After some time, I figured it was too late for me to say anything, and ended up staying quiet. So did Dave.

We sat in silence for a good couple of minutes, until I saw in the edge of my vision that Dave pulled something out of the chest pocket of his jacket. I turned my head slightly more towards him, just enough to see that what he had picked up, was a cigarette. Even though I knew the answer, I still asked him “is that a cigarette?”. Dave did not reply, he just stuck it in his mouth while searching for a lighter in his jeans’ pockets. “But you don’t smoke. You never have”, I noted. I was sure of these facts.  
Dave stopped searching then, and looked down at the ground instead. He tilted the cigarette in his mouth up and down with his lips, making him appear a tad childish. The rollup was quickly removed from his mouth, and replaced with words instead; “you’re right”. Dave had put the cigarette between the index and middle finger of his right hand, and held the cigarette in front of my face as he raised his eyebrows. This was his way of asking: “do you want it?”. I carefully shook my head, but kept my eyes on the cigarette as he pushed one end of the cigarette to the ground, even though it had never been lit.

I decided now was the time to say something.

“Dave”, I started. “I saw you on stage today”. Dave answered with a confused expression before looking into the sky, and I continued explaining; “I saw you cry on stage. Even though you tried to hide it”. He did not say anything for about three long seconds, but eventually laughed, saying “oh”. His laughter was not like it used to be: It was shorter, and obviously forced, as you could hear him _saying_ “hah”. No one actually says “hahaha” while they laugh, right?

I felt uncomfortable with Dave trying to laugh this off, and wanted to make sure he knew that I wanted him to open up to me. “It’s… OK to cry… Dave”. I had way too many and way too long pauses in that sentence, and I felt so awkward and uncomfortable that I thought it would end up with Dave comforting me instead of vice versa.

My left knee suddenly felt noticeably warmer, because Dave let his palm rest on it as he spoke to me. “Thanks for looking after me, Eric”. Dave repeatedly removed and placed his hand back on my knee again during the continuation of his words, like he was patting it. He told me that he was just feeling a little bit down, but that he was going to get over it, and that was it. I did not talk more about it, because I did not know how. I had never been good at comforting people, because I felt awkward or intrusive no matter what I said.

Dave still kept his hand on my knee, and I let go of my arms’ grip around my legs. I had thought about doing this very thing almost since I sat down next to Dave, and had finally gathered the courage to: I put my left arm around Dave. My nerve-wracking (at least, to me) action was followed by an “I am sorry”. David reassured me that I had nothing to apologize for, but I felt him scooting slightly closer to me after hearing my apology. He probably thought that I said sorry because I felt bad for him, but was that really the case? I felt bad for him back then, but I think my guilt about feeling relieved when Liz and him had broken up, was coming back to me, greater than before, making me lose focus on whatever Dave’s current pain was.

Though we did not sit there for long (maximum three minutes), I held my arm around him for the rest of our time there. I could feel my chest rise and fall again, making it difficult for to breathe, especially exhale. Inhaling was not that bad if I did it slowly, but when I breathed out, I tried my best not to do it too loudly. Naturally, I did not want David to understand that I was having trouble breathing because I was so nervous around him.

Yet, I did something spontaneous when we got up from the ground. As we walked towards the entrance of the band bus, I decided I would hug Dave. I walked behind him, so I hugged him from behind – but not fully. My arms reached around his right shoulder and his neck, so it was more of an embrace from the side. Dave immediately stopped, and put the hand of his right arm on my closest upper arm.

“ _I don’t want you to be sad, you know?_ ”.

Those were the words that I said before Dave even got to open his mouth. I swallowed as I awaited a comeback of some sort. Dave smiled at me, and a noise of amusement – not a laughter, but more like a relieved sigh -  was to be sounded. “I know”, he reassured me, and rubbed my arm. Halfway through his next sentence, he stopped rubbing it, and patted it once instead, before removing it; “you’ve done a lot to help, so don’t worry”. He smirked confidently, and it felt like my heart sunk lower down in my body – as if it had been raised earlier when my breathing got higher, and that it was finally able to come back down to its original place, now that Dave seemed to be aware that I wanted to be there for him. I gradually let go of him, and I felt like the weight of the world slipped off my shoulders.

“ _You see, here’s the thing_ ”…

Blood was pumped faster into my heart again the second I felt like I was finally able to relax; David’s anxiety triggering sentence made me cautious again, and I looked deeply into his eyes after he spoke his first words. However, he did not look directly into my eyes, but he certainly looked at my face. “Liz and I are kinda’ back together now”. Apparently, they had discussed their relationship before the show, and then come to an agreement that they would try to get back together after the show was over, through text messages. Immediately after he finished speaking, I instinctively blurted out “that is great!”, but I honestly felt sick to my guts. Dave went inside, while I said I just wanted a little more of the fresh air before going inside – the air inside was barely breathable anyway. Dave just nodded at me-- he did not question my statement— and went inside, without even thinking about how suspicious it was that I suddenly changed my mind about going inside. Brian, however, went outside at once. He understood that something was going on when Dave came back inside without me, even though I was the one who had followed him outside.

I went a few metres away from the bus, by a tiny bush, and knelt over it. How could David tell me that he got back together with Elizabeth so easily? I used to have a tiny hope that Dave would be able to forget Elizabeth, and see me instead, and grow closer to me over time.  
A strong feeling of nausea occurred in my stomach, and spread to my chest, and ended by my throat. I was just about to vomit, when Brian suddenly yelled at me. “Eric!”. He sounded irritated, almost mad. “You can’t be out here crying over Dave”. His words became clearer the closer he got to me, and I quickly understood that Brian had the intention of being strict with me this time. Not that I blamed him – I would probably get tired of me too.

“You need to _forget_ about Dave, OK? Stop giving a fuck”. That was when I realized that Brian wished the exact same thing for me that I wished for Dave: To forget and get over a beloved one. That’s when I _did_ throw up. Brian did not pat my back, nor talk supportively to me. He just stood there and waited for me to stop puking. I understood that he was done taking care of me liked he used to, and rather wanted me to learn how to take care of myself.

“Eric, listen. You _need_ to get over the fact that Dave will put someone else before you. For your own sake. You’ll just get more and more hurt”, Brian told me. He repeated sentences of the like, and I tried to let it get into my head, but there were still remains of the tiny shred of hope I had earlier that pushed Brian’s words away.

When I had finally finished vomiting, I nodded to Brian, and sniffed. He looked a little scared, as if he thought he had been a little too harsh on me. He quickly threw another sentence at me: “It’s for your own best, Eric. I’m sorry if I came off as… Mean, or anything”. In that moment, I hated myself more than I ever had. _Why is it so difficult for me to get over David? Why can’t I listen to Brian, and do as he says? Why do I let myself get so easily affected by other people’s feelings? Why do I have to keep making Brian worry about me, even though he just wants me to do the exact same things I want David to do?_

That was also the moment that I realized Brian might have thought of me as something more than just a friend.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PS: I didn't go through this chapter, so there are probably more mistakes than usual here.


	6. For Him.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A short chapter in which Eric and Brian finally talk together, and some things are cleared up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was really demotivated when writing this chapter, so I made it a short one. The next one will probably also be short, and sort of be a "part 2" of this.

(Still Eric’s POV//the chapter after the next chapter will be Dave's POV, if anyone cares)

Song title is referring to: Troye Sivan – For Him.

 

Brian Joseph Blake is a man six years older than me. In other words, he was born in 1984. He is lanky and has fast reflexes. He used to work as a waiter, until he started playing the drums in Real Friends. He is one of my best friends, and he might also be in love with me.

To anyone who would get to know Brian, the first facts would be the most important, but to me, the last two facts are the most important.

Especially the fact that he is one of my best friends. But now that I suspect that he has romantic feelings towards me, I am unsure if I will able to act normally around him again.

I’m not gonna’ lie; I _have_ thought of Brian as something more than just a friend sometimes. I have just been curious, you know? Like, “is it possible that I like him a little more than I thought?”, but I really did think I was just confused. _I do not have the same feelings towards him as I have towards Dave,_ I think _. I will not be able to return those feelings._

_So this is how Dave would feel if he knew that I had romantic feelings towards him, huh? Which means that when Brian sees me chasing after Dave, he feels the way that I feel when I see Dave together with Liz._

I decided it would be for the best if I did not talk to Brian about his feelings unless he wanted to, in case I were wrong. I also decided I would stop talking to Brian about David, fearing that it would hurt him. Besides, it seemed he had enough of my talk about Dave.

The next day, I did not get up early. It was one of our days off, and I had stayed up late the night before, thinking about Dave and Brian, so I slept in. The others had gone to eat together with members of the bands that were with us in the UK, except Brian. He did not sleep in, but he told the others that he did not want to leave me alone if I were going to sleep, in case something happened to the van. I had a slight suspicion that Brian just wanted to be with me, but could I really be sure? I mean, come on; it’s me, Eric! I was not special, at least I do not think so. I have always had a sort of bad self-image, but I still thought that even with confidence, I would view myself as indifferent.

I stared at the wall of the van, and it stared right back at me, empty. I was unsure of Brian’s current location, but I knew for sure that I was alone in the part of the van that we slept in. (Well, actually, it was more of a bus— but I referred to it as a van). The sounds and voices of the others had awoken me hours ago, and I had not been able to fall asleep since. Still, I stayed in bed in order to avoid Brian. I knew that I would start overanalysing everything if I were to talk to him, and that I would eventually screw things up. Brian was one of my best friends, and I of course cared deeply for him, so I did not want the suspicion of romantic feelings to ruin what we had.

_Fuck it_. I decided it was time to get out of bed. It was boring, anyway. As I got dressed, I tried to prepare myself for how to greet Brian, but my head felt like a big, messy blur of thoughts. I decided I would try my best to act like I normally did, and take care of things as they happened.

Though I did think I heard a sound coming from behind me, I had to turn around to make sure I was right – and I was. In front of me, my tall friend stood, but with the distance between us, it felt as if we were equally tall. No, actually, equally _small_. And I think we both felt small at that time too. His gaze was kept low, but not too low for it to seem like he completely avoided eye contact. He probably still felt a tad bad about yesterday, even though I myself think I deserved to be treated less well than I usually would. The words coming out of Brian’s mouth never stuck to my brain for too long, so it was only natural for him to react that way.  
This time, I decided I would be the one to break the silence – I was usually the quiet one in conversations – and greeted him with “’morning”. Brian scratched his neck as he thought about what I had said, then grinned, saying “’morning’? It’s like 1 in the afternoon, but OK, whatever”. My lips forced a smile, but only for about a second. We stood there awkwardly for quite a while without saying anything, before Brian asked me if I were going to go outside for some fresh air. Originally, I was not, but decided to tag along anyway. I would prefer to get something to eat first, seeing as I had not eaten anything for hours, but I did not mention that.

When we did get outside, it seemed Brian did not know what to do – like he had not actually planned on going outside either. A cold breeze traced the skin of bare arms and left goose bumps on them. It was too cold to leave the van without a jacket, and Brian seemed like he was out of place as well. The position of his arms frequently changed from crossed to hanging loosely from his body, and he kept looking around him and up in the sky, even though the area around us kept calm, with few movements other than a few birds here and there. There were buildings all arounds us after all, with no people in sight.

I was starting to get cold and bored, and suggested that we would go inside. Brian agreed on my suggestion, but before I turned around to head inside, his words stopped me. “But, um… Could we like, talk..? When we get inside?”, he asked me, his head pointed downwards in the opposite direction of me, but his eyes were pointing towards me. I figured we both could get answers if we proceeded to talk, and it was an offer I had to accept unless I wanted to live in paranoia. So I told him that we of course could talk – then went inside together.

Brian walked inside after me, but he still walked further into the vehicle than I did; while I stood by the entrance, he walked to his bunk and sat down with his hands folded, fingers gripping around each other. I remained in my spot, figuring that I would be able to control the conversation a little if I were standing up.

“Eric”. Anxiety and sweat caused by it shook my body as Brian started speaking. He sighed, and as he did, his shoulders fell carefully lower. The knuckles of his fingers grinded against each other as he continued: “I think I’ve been jealous lately”. His eyes were pointed in my direction for a short while, but I did not look directly into them. “And I know…”, Brian’s voice sounded, with a hint of nervousness through stuttering. He swallowed, loud enough for me to hear it clearly. “… That you have been too - of Elizabeth, of course. But I’ve been jealous of Dave”. None of us said anything, and I looked around the room while awaiting a continuation. But when Brian contributed with nothing more, I asked him why he had been jealous. He did not look at me when I talked to him, and avoided answering my question by suddenly continuing on what he had talked of: “I don’t know if I feel the same kind of jealousy towards Dave as you feel towards Liz, but I think there is a high possibility of it”. He licked his lips in anticipation before lifting his gaze directly at me, for the first time since we got inside. “Do you get what I mean by that?”. I looked down on the floor quickly, before meeting Brian’s eyes, and nodding. As far as I understood, Brian was aware of my feelings towards Dave, and was saying that he had the same feelings towards me – so in a way, it was up to me whether or not Brian had feelings for me right now. If I were dishonest about my feelings towards David, he would be dishonest as well.

We continued talking for a while, before I asked Brian: “Do you think it’s possible to have feelings for two people at a time?”. I was still unsure of how I felt about Brian – was he more than just a friend to me? Judged by Brian’s answer, it seemed he understood what I was hinting towards. “Sure. But I don’t think _you_ are, Eric. If you were, you would know for sure”. Though it most certainly hurt Brian more, my heart ached when I understood that Brian had accepted that I did not have romantic feelings towards him. He gave up, and he was quick to – that is how little faith he had in himself. Brian was a great guy – a wonderful one, actually – and it was just a coincidence that he was not the one I fell in love with. I truly loved his personality, but apparently David’s appealed more to me.

I nodded, though it was only barely visible. “You’re actually a very great person”, I said in an attempt to encourage him, and lighten the mood. Brian did not expect me to suddenly blurt that out, and laughed before responding with “and you figured that out just now? That took you way too long”, still chuckling. A gave him a half smile back; I felt too perplexed about everyone’s feelings to be able to smile fully. Worry of how things would turn out, was frequently refilling me with anxiety.  
Brian stopped laughing, but he smiled peacefully. “Thank you”. It sounded like a genuine expression of gratitude. “You too, Eric”, he added. I looked out the window closest to Brian, and watched as the birds flew about without making a sound for us to hear within the van. Their wings’ swift movements drew lines in my vision, much like the threads that connect every person in the world together. “The red string of fate”, isn’t that what it is called? Either way, there are subliminal lines between every person and thing that connect them together and creates a pattern. Actually, you can find a pattern wherever you look. For example, in the stars of the night sky, like that night when I drove Brian home. And it does not matter if you pull one of the threads holding these patterns; they will just create a new pattern, though it might not be as great as the original one.

 

*

 

The others returned shortly after Brian and I had talked out. I still felt gloomy, and was unsure of how I should behave around Brian and David. When everyone was gathered inside, Kyle reminded us that we were going to sleep at a hotel that night, because Elizabeth was going to visit us on tour for a couple of days, and we did not have enough room for her. The bunks in the van were uncomfortable, so we decided we all could crash on a hotel for the night, and have some fun. Apparently, Liz was currently on vacation in the UK, and had insisted on visiting us. We had ordered three rooms – two for two people, and one for three. The others started grouping us, and it was decided that Dave and Liz would share a room, and me and Brian, while Kyle, Dan and Ahern would share the three people room.

Elizabeth arrived around 8 PM, and I started to get tired a few hours later. Liz and Dave disappeared to their room around 10 PM to be alone for a while, and Dan and I headed to our rooms half past eleven, while Kyle, Brian and Ahern stayed up a while longer than us. Because Dan and I went to sleep, they stayed in the van until they eventually would go to sleep.

Although I was one of the first people to go to my room, I did not sleep. I was actually wide awake, but still exhausted. For some reason, perhaps because I hoped something would happen, I did not feel like going to sleep that night, so I decided I would stay up until Brian arrived.

Only a few minutes before midnight, there was a knock on my door. I figured Brian had forgotten his keys, and went to open the door for him. But the door was not locked, and the door knob was twisted from the outside before I got to open it myself. I was met by startled eyes when the crack opened wide enough for me to see who it was. “Hi”, Dave breathed out when he saw me.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Also, I think Eric and Dave might live together, haha? I mean, I'm not entirely sure, but I /think/ so. If that's the case, then parts of this fanfic make no sense, soz.


	7. Prehistoric

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Another short chapter, but things FINALLY happen. Woo!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1\. |Eric's POV| // next chapter will be Dave's POV  
> -  
> 2\. I didn't go through this. Have fun reading this with lots of typos lmao.  
> -  
> 3\. I've already written like half of the next chapter, so that will be posted soon.  
> -  
> 4\. There are only a few chapters left now! I think I might end this fic at chapter 9, possibly 10.

(Eric’s POV)

Song title is referring to: Now, Now – Prehistoric

 

_“I know this will mess things up tonight,_

_But, God, it feels so good to close my eyes_

_I’ll say that I’ve been trying to move on_

_We both know I’m not”_

(A/N: I feel like that song describes all the feelings of this chapter, and generally how I imagine them together)

 

Dave did not go back to his hotel room that night. He stayed in _my_ room. We both did.

 

*

 

“You have to let me inside”, Dave begged before pushing his way through the door. Before I even got to say a word, he had thrown himself onto my bed, arms bent behind his neck and head resting on them, as if he were about to have a relaxing nap. “Wow-ow-ow. Dave, what’s up?”, I asked him. He looked back at me, but did not answer. Seeing as he seemed to be awaiting more words to pop out my mouth, I continued speaking: “You can’t just come distressed into my room in the middle of the night, _then_ sit down to relax without explaining anything”. Dave kept his gaze on me, still keeping his mouth shut. It seemed he concentrated hard to find what words he would use to explain.

David sighed as he scratched his nose with one finger, like he often would if he were nervous or dishonest. He had his mouth open in anticipation of his own words (- that was how troubled he felt) before he started talking: “I just, uh, need a little break. You know, just relax for a little while”. I finally moved away from the door to go sit next to Dave on the bed. Dave was not one to directly tell someone that he needed an escape of some sort; he would rather just do things as if they were not distractions or escapes, in order to not worry others. Therefore, I felt like I had to do something right then. The fact that he actually was honest with me – to a degree – made me feel as if I had responsibility for the situation. “Dave”, I started out, realizing that I actually had no idea what to say next. _I’ll just have to be direct with him, and ask about how things are exactly. No sugar coating, no avoiding of certain subjects_.

“You don’t have to look at me when answering this, Dave. In fact, I’ll look away to make it easier for you… But will you please tell me what you need a break from?”. As promised, I looked away immediately after finishing my question, and looked down on my knees that were currently hanging from the rear edge of the bed. David did not hesitate to speak – it was apparent that he really did want to talk to someone about this; “it’s just… Liz and I are going through a rough patch. And I’m starting to think that getting together with her was a mistake”.

The bitter words I had wanted to hear. But I would not let my emotions take over, at least not yet. I had to find out exactly why Dave felt this way.

“Don’t you mean getting _back_ together with her?”, I asked him, trying to dig further into it. Though I could not know for sure, since I did not look at him, it sounded like David shook his head, hair rasping against the sheets. The sounds followed up with: “No-- I mean, this whole thing. At least I think I think so. I dunno’ anymore”. Though I had hoped that words of the like would slip from his lips one day, I never really had the belief that they would, because I could not understand _why_ he would say that. He and Liz seemed like a happy couple.  
I placed one hand closer to Dave for it to support me when I turned my body towards him. I had to look at him this time. “And… Why is that so?”, I asked, trying to maintain a relaxed language, despite my emotions going wild inside. He looked back at me as a tiny, almost invisible frown appeared. Perhaps he did not even realize himself that he frowned, and the displeased expression was caused by a subjective view on the words that were to escape his mouth next?  
David explained to me that it had felt wrong from the start, but that he thought he would grow into it: “I have never really had a ‘serious’ relationship before, you know. Only 2 months at the most. I thought I would grow more in love with her if I just… Pushed myself, and experienced it first, you know?”. No good thoughts about what to say next hit me, so I let Dave continue speaking. David turned over, facing me, and fidgeted with the sheets as he stared deeply into their patterns for so long that he had probably memorized them by now. “Elizabeth just… She felt like a good friend, you know? But because she’s female, I thought that I would, like, just fall further in love with her after a while. But I didn’t, and I don’t think I will”. His eyes flitted between mine for a short while, as if he checked if I were still listening to him, and then swept over the sheets again. “Do you remember me telling about the last person I was interested in? Sam?”. Dave cleared his throat in preparation to something he was about to confess. “Yeah”, I replied. “Well… Sam was not like Elizabeth. Uh, Sam was, well… A guy”.

_Wait, what?! Dave is queer? He was being dishonest, yet he suspected me being gay…_

I was in shock, finding out that Dave liked males, and that he had kept it secret for so long. Not to mention it seemed I was the first member of the band he came out to! _Do you know what this means?_ It meant that I might, _might_ be able to be with Dave. The shock left me speechless, causing Dave to freak out, fearing that I had negative views on the subject; Dave breathed hard through his nose once, and his eyes seemed to have watered. “I’m sorry. I don’t know why I said that. I’m sorry if I freaked you out”. The thought of David feeling ashamed because he thought I was going to respond in a homophobic way, made me feel like actual shit. How could he even think that of me? _Of course I support queer people! Heck, I am not exactly straight myself…_

Tears suddenly ran down my cheeks and feel onto the sheets, right by David’s hands. “Da – avid”, I sulked and whined. “You don’t freak me out at all! Why would you even think that? Am I that horrible of a person?”. Now Dave was the one who looked shocked. “No! No, that’s not what I meant! I just-- I don’t know! I freaked out myself”. A shaky hand patted my back – Dave was no longer lying next to me, but instead sitting next to me.  
_Idiot. Why did I do that? Why do I always manage to shift the attention to me?  
_ “Please stop crying, Eric. I don’t think you’re a bad person, not at all”. After a few moments passing, I managed to stop crying. Obeying his wish was the least I could do.

Dave continued telling me what had happened, and said that the reason they first broke up, was because Elizabeth stated she felt uncomfortable knowing that Dave swung both ways, when he had so many close male friends. Soon, I got an explanation for why he did not let Liz meet me without the company of the others. “I told her about my sexuality before she met you guys, and… Well, I talked a lot about you, and I was afraid she would… Dislike you if she saw just the two of us together with her. That she would get jealous or something”. I have to admit; I did feel a little proud about that. I was so close to David that he thought his girlfriend would suspect things. Dave continued: “There’s actually more to it than that. I said some things I probably should have kept to myself. Then again, telling it to her has helped me a tiny bit more figuring it out”. The words were spoken fast and with slight mumble, but I managed to make out all of them. As suspicious and exciting as the words sounded to me, I did not have the nerve nor heart to ask more about it. Seeing as David said those things in such a distorted way, I figured he would not open up more either, and suddenly he was starting a new sentence: “You are my very best friend, so I guess it’s only natural. It’s not that strange that I got confused”, he continued mumbling, though I did not catch all of it – just the “very best friend” part, which I was quite pleased to hear. I asked him to repeat his words: “Come again? I didn’t hear you”.

Dave turned my way and looked deep into my eyes. “Eric”, he said as my chest once again ached by the call of my name in his voice. Pause. Judged by his following action, he must have thought I heard what he said after all. His gaze suddenly shifted down by about only an inch, before his hand suddenly came closer to mine, the rest of his body soon following. The moment I understood what was happening, the entire world went silent. I could not hear a thing, and my vision became significantly weakened as well. Everything was blurred – his eyes, his lips, coming right my way – but it did not matter, because we both closed our eyes, Dave being the first to close them, and the last to open them.

_Sorry, Brian. I am definitely not over Dave._

For so long had I wanted this. David was the one who leaned in for a kiss, not me, although I know everyone would agree they would rather expect the opposite. However, I did not kiss back; as his lips embraced mine, I did not have the guts to meet them, because I knew it was wrong. His was still in a relationship with Elizabeth, and I did not want to take advantage of Dave being vulnerable in this situation. I was the one who ended the kiss, parting our lips, but still letting him keep his hand on top of mine. “Dave”, I said determinately. When he opened his eyes again, they told me that he felt sad, and I wanted to know why. I did not know what to ask to find out, so I waited for him to come with an explanation.

A sound escaped David’s mouth, but it was barely hearable. It sounded like a powerless, cold sigh. He repeated: “Sorry”. He removed his hand and held it by his forehead instead, as an attempt to calm himself down. “Shit”, he whispered. I was about to reach my arm out to stroke him on the back, but realized that engaging in physical contact might not be the smartest thing to do. “It’s OK”, I finally let out, now knowing what to say after. _I_ was more than okay with it, but I could not let Dave know that. He seemed to already be regretting his actions, and I was relieved I did not kiss him back when this was how we was going to react!  
“It’s really no big deal. You were just sad and confused. I could easily have done the same”. The last sentence was, well, not just something I said to comfort him. After all, I did want to kiss him back. Suddenly, he leaned back in the same position as when he first came into my room. “Thank you for being so understanding, Eric”, he said. His words sounded genuine, but I could not help but think that there was a bitterness in his voice. I soon lied down next to him, and suggested we would talk about something else. We spent the next 20-something minutes talking about nothing and everything, but I still felt awkward. “Thankfully”, I thought when a beeping sound from David’s phone interrupted us.

Dave looked down on his phone, and was quick to draw a concerned expression. “It’s Liz”, he said as he looked up from his phone. I did not say anything at first; I just nodded carefully. A sentence followed after a few seconds of silence: “You… Probably shouldn’t tell her that you’re here”. Dave inhaled deeply, and was looking down at his phone again. “Probably not”, he confirmed. I was still lying next to him, resting my elbows on a pillow. I observed Dave while he texted Liz a long message, explaining where he was and what he was doing. If I remember correctly, it ended up with him saying he had went on a walk and gotten lost, but that he was slowly finding the way back. I did not say anything, because I did not _feel_ anything. I felt nothing; I was just numb and tired. In addition, I was powerless. I felt like there was nothing I could do. David and Elizabeth were still a couple, even if he were there with me right then. If only they had been over before he came into my room… Then, I would be able to kiss him back, and maybe, _just maybe_ , something would happen.

Shortly after, we fell asleep, both of us having dark clouds hanging over us. Dave; because he had been disloyal, and me; because we slept in the room that belonged to me and Brian. Brian never came to our room, and I knew it had to be because he knew Dave was in there with me.

**Author's Note:**

> Oh, and also - in reply to the end note of the last chapter: Dave and Eric did live together! Eric just recently moved out, though (can you hear me crying?). So basically, this fic makes no sense lmao. But then again, there are A LOT of things that are different here from real life, soo


End file.
